Dating a woman is not easy. There was a letter in my letterbox. It was the answer to my last contact ad. I ran upstairs and opened it. I rung her up. ‘This is the best therapy’, I thought. I was lucky, she was at home.
She told me that she has no time now. She had to visit her doctor. “Do you have the flu or something like that?”, I asked her.
“No, no, I don’t have the flu. It is all somewhat psychological, and I have problems with my boyfriend…”
“What boyfriend? But you have placed a contact ad.”
“Yes, but he is only a platonic boyfriend. He is always sitting around me and now he is also sitting here.”
“Okay, then may I ring you back in a few hours or so?”
“Yes, please ring me back in 3 hours or so…”
That’s what I did. I called her back after 3 hours. She answered the phone immediately. “Everything okay”, she said “He left.”
“What did he want?”, I asked her.
“Well, he wants something, but I don’t like to be fumbled by him. First I have to ask my psychiatrist what I should do about him.”
“Do nothing”, I said. “Let’s meet first.” We talked for some time about her and my interests and I thought we might match. “..and how did it go with your contact ads, did you meet someone already?” I asked.
I think you shouldn’t ask a question like that because I always get bad answers. This time too.
“If you think that you can stick it into me only to bang negative energy into me then you are on the wrong track.”
“What do you mean? Negative energy?”
“Once I knew a healer who told me that if a woman is not emotionally stable then some men just stick it in and squirt negative energy into you. This can weaken you and can weaken your immune system.”
‘This woman is completely insane’, I thought. ‘Better I agree or she gets mad.’
“Yes, you could be right there.” I said carefully.
“So, do you understand now! That’s not the way I like it, no sex right away, I want to talk. I want to talk first!”
“No problem”, I said “when can we meet?” “Let’s meet tomorrow, we can have a coffee somewhere…” We agreed to meet the next day in town for a coffee. I didn’t worry too much about my negative energy.
Next day I waited ten minutes in front of a restaurant. Nearby was a phone booth and I was not sure if among the women who were standing around was the one I should meet. I didn’t know how she looked like. Suddenly one of those women looked at me and I walked up to her. “Sorry, but are you the one I should meet?” I asked her. She looked at me and asked nervously. “How did you get this idea? What do you want?”
“Sorry, I must be mistaken you for somebody else.” Why can’t women simply answer a simple question without getting upset or hysterical. I waited 25 minutes and was slowly getting angry, then she appeared suddenly. She recognized my clothing, fixed me with her eyes and came straight up to me.
We said “Hello” and went into the building where we took the elevator to go to a restaurant at the upper floor. On the way up she said that it is to warm for her. Why didn’t she take off her warm jacket? I said ok and proposed another restaurant. We took her car and drove to another place and went inside.
Now I realized that she looked a bit elegant and this simple restaurant might not be the right place for her. When she sat opposite of me I could observe her better than before. She had a nice body but when she took off her sunglasses I saw the five-times double-stocked bags under her eyes, which were hanging down right to her nose bridge and I must admit, I had difficulties to develop any positive feelings for her.
But I thought, give her a chance, I am looking not very good either. So I ignored her eye bags and realized also that she was heavily made-up. She was slim and wearing jeans and a leatherjacket and looked older than her age. Her neck had a lot of wrinkles.
The waiter came and we ordered two cappuccinos. We were talking about music. She said: “I freak out when I hear music.” I wondered but decided not to discuss this and let her talk first about herself. She mentioned that we met maybe too quick and that she should have asked her psychologist first before she meets me. “What kind of psychologist is this?” I asked.
“It is not a real psychologist, it is an excorcist driving out bad spirits.”
Oh my god, I thought. “Yes, that’s what he is doing and I must go to him in a few minutes.”
“Why? We are having coffee now.” I said. “Yes, but I must go to this man soon, later on I go again but first I have to visit him for a short
“What does he do?” I asked her. “Well, I sit down on the floor in front of him and he takes off his clothes and dances half-naked in his shorts in front of me.”
“And what is the function of this?” I asked out of scientifical curiosity without blinking an eye.
“After that, I feel really good. It is like being internally cleaned.” She said.
“Interesting and what does he charge for that?”
“He has no fixed fee, main thing is he can help somebody, he gets a donation. After this I always feel good, but I have to go there quite often because the effect is gone after a short time.”
“Finally not the right thing.” I said.
“Yes, but at the moment this is the best for me. There is nothing better for me at this time.” She said. I decided not to discuss this and ordered some tarts with cream instead. The waiter served them and she tried to divide them. A this moment a tart was falling down on to the floor.
I turned around, unfortunately the waiter had looked to our table and had seen this. ‘Shit! How embarrassing! I can’t return to this place again’, I thought.
“Just push the tart with your foot under the table.” I said to her. One little push would have been enough and the tart would have been out of sight.
“No, I can’t do that!” She said, grabbed the paper tablecloth
and ripped a piece off.
I thought: ‘My God hopefully the waiter has not seen it.’ And I turned around. Fortunately the waiter was occupied with his guests and had not seen anything. She bowed down under the table to pick up the tart. When she touched it the tart was crumbling into countless little crumbs.
The whole floor under the table was full of small tart pieces and crumbs. ‘How embarrassing’ I thought and put my foot in front of them to avoid attracting any attention. Fortunately she decided to give up and let the tart crumbles as they are.
“Hmm”, she said “things are not running well today.”
“Don’t worry! Let it be as it is!”, I said “please tell me something about yourself.”
Suddenly her eyes turned up looking at the ceiling. “Is everything ok?” I asked.
“I have to go now!” She said. “I can’t stand to be here any longer, this narrowness!”
“What narrowness?” I asked “Here are thirty tables in a large room.”
“Yes, but this narrowness, I don’t know, I can’t stand it somehow.” “Just drink your coffee, you just sipped the cream.”
“Yes, I know, I think I have to make a phone call.” She said. She ran to the phone.
I thought, meanwhile I could go to the toilet. I got up. When I returned the woman had disappeared. The waiter came to me and said:”You haven’t paid yet!” How embarrassing.
At this moment she came back in from outside. Apparently she went only outside and the waiter thought that she left. I had enough and paid and just wanted to get out.
“I have to get out of here, I have to get out..” she said.
We left quickly and some guests already watched us. “I think we are not a good match.” I said when we were outside.
“I told you that I am not very healthy.” She said.
“Yes, you have said this.”
I didn’t care anymore, just wanted to leave. It was not my job to heal her soul. If she goes to this dancing idiot and gets confused then this is her business. I have my own problems. We said goodbye after exchanging this idotic empty phrase. “Maybe I’ll give you a ring.”